Essay: My Desire to Express Myself Is Diminishing

In recent years, my desire to express myself has been diminishing. This is reflected in my WeChat Moments: from 12 posts in 2020, to 6 posts each in 2021 and 2022, and a slight rebound to 10 posts in 2023. On my blog, I published over 30 programming notes and algorithm articles in 2020, attracting nearly a thousand followers. In 2021, I posted a dozen articles on model algorithms. However, there were no updates at all in 2022 and 2023.

As my knowledge and experience have grown, I’ve found my urge to express myself weakening. I often feel like an observer, unable to truly immerse myself in the things around me. Things that once excited me now seem to have become part of daily life. This sense of indifference confuses me, but it doesn’t mean I’ve lost my passion for life. The excitement from achievements still exists, but the feeling is more fleeting. I’ve started to reflect on the nature of this psychological change.

Concerns About Content Quality

Insights I collected in the past often seem outdated after a few years, which makes me worry that my own content will end up the same. To avoid this, I tend to write about basic theories or technical topics. However, I find myself collecting more than expressing. I want to appear knowledgeable, yet I feel my knowledge and experience are limited, making it hard to explore topics in depth. Even though I have plenty of practical experience, it’s often only applicable to specific conditions and environments.

I feel uneasy about sharing notes or writing tutorials. On one hand, when I look back at my previously published notes, I find most of them are superficial and not of high quality—reading the official documentation might be more effective. On the other hand, I feel the technical depth of my tutorials is lacking. Nevertheless, before publishing, I still carefully review and consult a lot of materials, striving to make the content richer and more comprehensive. This pursuit of superficial comprehensiveness also makes it hard for me to delve deeply into problems. I’ve read articles by technical experts who can provide diverse solutions to a specific problem and analyze the pros and cons of different technologies in detail; or offer deep and insightful perspectives that inspire readers and bring profound scientific understanding and enlightenment to a problem. But I often find it hard to break out of existing content, and I don’t want readers to feel, after reading my work, “That’s a lot of words, but that’s it?”

Moreover, my obsession with “consistency” has become a burden. I want my writing to follow a certain paradigm, so I habitually set clear paragraphs and headings, organize content to present my thoughts clearly, highlight important information, and provide references for readers. But this approach has become an extra burden, making me constantly question: Do I really want to write this way? Who am I writing for? Although I long to write freely, I always feel an indescribable constraint, unable to let go completely. This is probably why I haven’t uploaded my writing to public platforms in the past two years.

Fear of “Not Being Understood”

Besides the factors above, I often worry that my views will “not be understood” after being published. I read a lot and think a lot, and I find that my focus on certain issues often differs from those around me, but I prefer to seek resonance through reading rather than actively expressing myself. Sometimes I want to share these thoughts, but I’m not sure if my knowledge base is sufficient to support a thorough and reasonable expression, which makes me feel powerless. Over time, this feeling has gradually eroded my desire to express myself.

Constantly expressing and sharing is actually a filtering process, through which we can find people with similar souls. If we stop expressing and sharing, it may be for one of two reasons: either we’ve lost hope and no longer expect to meet such people, or we’ve already found a sense of belonging. For me, I don’t think I’ve found such people yet.

Lack of a Sharing Mindset

I’ve gradually moved away from the mindset of sharing. One evening at Yanqi Lake, I was captivated by the sunset. Although I took photos, I had no intention of posting them to Moments, or sending them to a group or a particular person. This is the opposite of my mindset in high school and early college, which confuses me.

Personality Traits

I often heard others discuss personality types, such as classifying themselves as I (Introvert) or E (Extrovert). So one day, I decided to take a personality test myself, and the result showed I am an “INTP-A / Logician.”

The “A” in INTP-A stands for Assertive. This suffix reflects a relatively stable, confident, and self-driven attitude, in contrast to INTP-T (Turbulent). INTP-A types usually show a calmer and more confident attitude when facing challenges and stress. They tend to have higher confidence in their abilities and decision-making processes and are less affected by external evaluations. This personality type also tends to be highly analytical and critical, which can sometimes make decision-making seem overly complex and slow. They may be less decisive in situations that require quick responses. These personality traits are very evident in my daily life and work, especially when making important decisions or in social situations.

I am skeptical of such labels and reluctant to accept the idea of reducing complex individual personalities to a few letters. But perhaps they are not meant to box people into a certain pattern, but rather to provide a tool for self-awareness and understanding, helping me to know myself better.